12:57am, 04/09/23

I’ve been thinking about people from my past a lot lately. I don’t know why. Johnny and Jane, what if I handled it differently? What about Kirsten? Or Annie? Would I have the life I’ve always hoped for? And (redacted)? What if I just left her rather than pushing for her to leave me? What if I cut (redacted) off from her while I had the chance? Would things have been easier? (Redacted). Would I have ever become suicidal? What if I got things right the first time, with Katie? Would we have been happy even now, in the same university as her by chance? How much of all the pain listed up above could’ve been avoided by just that one kiss?

I don’t know. I can take some pretty good guesses though. Even if by some miracle I had the experience to make things work with Katie, it never would’ve lasted. Highschool me would still be craving more experience, just like college drop-out me did with (redacted). And I don’t know about (redacted). And what if I trusted Tom, like I want Johnny to do with me? I don’t think anything would’ve changed. He would just keep gaslighting me, playing both sides, and never being the friend comrade that I needed. 

And yeah, cutting (redacted) off from (redacted) early on would’ve saved a lot of heartache, but only for me. I loved (redacted). I wanted to make her happy, but I knew she wasn’t “the one” for me. He made her happy. I knowingly made that sacrifice for her. I think in the grand scheme of things, it worked out for both of us in some twisted way. Happily in the long-run nonetheless. Even if they don’t last. She left happier and it helped me to do the what I knew I had to do.

I’m certain Jane was inevitable, but let’s say she wasn’t. I don’t know that question lingering between us would ever resolve, even after I lost interest. I don’t know that she’d be so transparent. She liked to see things a certain way, no matter reality. And she wasn’t exactly the most open person, basically what I needed in an actual friend. Speaking of which: Johnny. If he never got pulled into things the way he was somehow, well yeah, it’d be pretty nice. Explosive Flasks never would’ve imploded, but I never would’ve been able to write the songs I have. I never would’ve “branched out” on my own and grown in skill as much as I’ve had to. I also would’ve never been able to look back on Tom so clearly, let alone understood the importance of blunt communication/ or action. And Annie as well as Kirsten; I don’t know. Maybe I would’ve been so much happier, but there’s a different lesson to be taken from each of them. I’ll leave that at that.

But most importantly: while yes, there were things I could’ve done in some of these situations, they’re not all on me. I take responsibility in the part I played in each of them, but they also all made their own choices in our fates. I can’t say who’s more to blame, everything is situational, but the point is I am not alone in carrying weight from these situations. It might feel that way, but sometimes life just happens and there’s a lot (if anything) anyone (including me) can do in these situations (especially the ones like Katie’s [edit: fell out of touch]). We do the best we can, sometimes we still fail. All we can do, is learn what we can from it, forgive ourselves, get back on the saddle, and keep moving forward.

Speaking of forward, I’m looking forward to some things. I explored the music center on campus and found some amazing practice spaces. Got what seems like a pretty cool bassist on the calendar for a jam session on Saturday next week. We’re trying to start a new band.

And I got a date set up for Tuesday that same week. She seems cool, but I don’t know. There’s some things I’m looking for in a significant other/ other half, we’ll see. So far I don’t have much reason to doubt.

So yeah that’s all nice, but…

Finals are coming and I’m very worried. I don’t know if it’s possible to (finish) this semester without academic dismissal. But I have to try. If I’m going down, I’m going down swinging. I still don’t know if I want to stay here at ship, or jump to Millersville. But I have time to figure that out in the summer I suppose. And of course, my Dad still has cancer. Not much I can do about, but at least he seems to be doing well.

It’s late, I’m sure I could go on about a lot of things but my insomnias bad enough as it is. (2:04am). 

I’m grateful…

That I’m as resilient as I am.

For all the people I’m still meeting.

And of course for the career, and musical opportunities I have. (Photography, self discovery, Artist publicity, Freelance writing).

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Some entries have been censored and edited out of respect for both my, and others personal lives as well as for clarity. These are all true journal entries, starting from when I was given the journal in a rehabilitation hospital, none of which will be released to the public until weeks or months after being written. At any given point, they may be taken down for a plethora of reasons.