September (Entry 1), 2022

DISCLAIMER: Some entries have been censored and edited out of respect for both my, and others personal lives as well as for clarity. These are all true journal entries, starting from when I was given the journal in a rehabilitation hospital, none of which will be released to the public until weeks or months after being written. At any given point, they may be taken down for a plethora of reasons.

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I hate journaling. I can never seem to get my words down fast enough. By the I've written this down, I've already had a thousand other thoughts...

My mind is always racing at a thousand miles per hour. Not always concerns, usually stupid stuff that seems random. Stuff like "Being a pet must be so boring." meanwhile, I'm sitting in a hospital bed writing about my literal thoughts (thanks ADHD).

Miss my guitar...

Man, I hate how much I miss my phone. Makes me feel like a tik-tok kid. I'm not. I missed the 90s by three months and grew up surrounded by 90s kids. People look at me and say I dress like a 90s man... I don't see it hahaha I just wear what I have available to me. Mostly hand-me-downs from my older cousins and my older brother (all of which were born around 91') . Sometimes on special occasions I get something that's just mine as a gift or something, but not usually. Maybe some thing on my birthday and some not torn socks for Christmas, otherwise I was smart enough with my cash to get myself something.

Random thoughts aside, I can't help but go over what happened in my head over and over again, like a movie on repeat. Sometimes I think about what happens when I get out of here. At this point, it's normally a happy ending. One where I go back and the truth is known or found out and everything goes back to normal...

But I have my doubts...

I'd rather be ready for the worst and surprised by the best.

Realistically, I'll go back and try to lead the band on my own... somehow. I'll talk to my roommate and others I'm less close to... It won't be as nice, (there's few that I share a lot in common with on campus) but it'll be something. Hopefully in time we could patch things up and they'll actually hear what I've been trying to tell them. Hopefully I'll be able to catch up with school somehow.

It's strange though, every time I think of them, I still think of them as friends. The reality that they're probably not still hasn't settled with me. I look at myself and it feels exactly the same as if I were looking at them. As if we're all the same person. I mean, I know we're not, and I know nothing lasts forever. I just never thought it'd end this way. I thought we'd all graduate and just drift apart as we got lost in our own lives.

When everything was happening on the one bad day, Johnny told me he was literally a cancer survivor and that I was treating him like dirt. I never did anything he said I did, had no reason to. Literally knew nothing about him, and Jane felt more like a sister at this point. I don't know. I don't know how they could think I'd actually do any of that. I mean, I saw him do that stuff to me, but I guess it's my word against his. I think he was so jealous of the time I spent with Jane that he lied (or saw what he wanted to, fuck if I know man). He's the one who survived cancer, Johnny seems to think that means he's incapable of doing anything wrong. Man, I wish the world was that black and white. This shit never would've happened.

Am I the asshole for disagreeing? I've just seen similar shit happen between other people like this, spend enough time in emergency rooms and it gets hard to see saints as an actual possibility. I mean, listen, I get why Jane did what she did, they're dating. Of course you're going to trust your partner more than your friend, fair enough... but I was always honest with them, even when I shouldn't have been!

And I've nearly died a multiple times now! I know he didn't ask to get sick, but I didn't ask to be mentally ill. I didn't ask for the abuse or trauma that brought me there.

TLDR: It doesn't matter what you're going through, people are people and anyone can do shitty things.

...There's a reason I felt helpless to truly be heard by my friends. If only they'd ask the same question as me: why would I lie? There's no reason I could see that I would. That's obvious...

yet no one sees it.