September (Undated Entry 4), 2022

My new roommate's a different kind of nasty. Never washes his hands, never flushes, and is a bit of a slob, leaving surprises just laying around (like huge clumps of hair). But he's very friendly, we've talked and joked a bit. Nice guy. Always carrying a bible and a bearded smile.

Since the two day occurrence passed, then another day, I now have two more days until I'm released into the world... to deal with whatever's waiting for me. I think I can handle two days rooming with this guy.

In other news, Daryl picked up. Seemed like a genuine friend, told me everything he heard from Johnny and believed me when I told him it wasn’t true. I explained the whole thing to him and he agreed to help set up an intervention with Johnny and not to say he heard from me. What Johnny said notably was that I was sending “schizophrenic texts” (offensive… I have anxiety, ADHD, and depression but not that), and that he had been convinced I just manipulated everyone from the beginning. Personally, I feel like that’s a hard sell, but Rich did have three months to worm his way into their heads (at least Johnny’s). I’ll see what I can do, but all I can do to tell the truth (and be heard) is be genuine.

But whatever happens, happens. It seems like I might have a more true friend, and guitarists are a dime a dozen. Though obviously, I’d like my friend(s) back.

Mom and I reached out to Jen Warbly for help contacting my teachers about a possible return but still haven’t heard anything…

It’s a holiday weekend. So to possibly speed things up, I gave my mom my password (I have to change it anyway). I tasked her originally with getting my teachers phone numbers but mom gave a fair argument to just have her email them all an email. I gave her instructions for the email like: be insistent, show that I’m motivated and willing, to explain my situation and that she’s the one sending the email, not me. I need four out of five of them to give me the green light for a full-time return. If I get three out of five, it’d be part time, but I can make up for it with a winter semester. Not sure if that’d be enough for the dean to allow me to stay on campus though.

What else…

(Redacted)

There’s one thing that’s really grounding me with a passion for life: My newborn niece, Lily. I can’t see her from here (no cell phones allowed) but she’s been described to me. Big, chubby, cute cheeks, and a striking resemblance to her mother. I can’t wait to see her!!!

I can’t wait to hold her either, but that’ll have to wait until March. She’ll probably be walking by then (six months [EDIT: Yeah, Babies take longer to walk XD] ) but she needs to receive her vaccines for the many new and dangerous illnesses that we’ve had introduced to us in the recent years. It’s for her safety, so I understand. But I feel something new and pleasant… a strong kind of love I feel safe with (I haven’t felt safe with any love for as long as I can remember… It’s like ripping open your chest and waiting for someone to stab it while you’re enjoying, and letting the fresh air in… It’s a nice change).

[On a new page] That previous page is very important because of what brought me here. I actually died. I’ve been told of how I was found, which eludes to this and I’ve just known it ever since being revived. It’s kind of hard to miss. This felt different than any other time I passed out.

Dying and coming back to life is the worst pain I’ve ever known, and the ladder’s pain continues intensely for days.

However, the experience of being dead is extremely pleasant. A pure nirvana. It’s hard to explain. This last sense I lost was sight, the first I regained was sound (hearing). However, it all happens so fast and so sudden you don’t even notice. There’s no sense of time… years can pass in what feels like an instant.

There’s no light at the end of the tunnel, no fire or screams, no heaven, and no hell. Just simply nothing. It’s like a fleshy computer being broken and shutting down forever.

I guess you could say there’s nothing but black.

You surrender all feeling, the ability to produce thoughts, and of course your body too.

All pain and memories disappear in an instant. It feels as if you never existed, you were never born.

There is however, an energy. It’s vibrant. There is no real way to describe it other than pleasant. It runs in every way. Maybe this is the experience of being returned to something… life maybe? I honestly can’t say, the cycle of Alive -> Dead -> Alive is completely seamless.

I no longer fear death, I welcome it.

Though the experience of dying itself IS something to be feared. There is no pain like it. It’s a heavy trade for the pure nirvana that follows. And as a 22- year old, someone considered young in this era, there is much I still want to do before retiring to the great abyss. There is much to love, be loved, had, and experience. I want to go as long as I can to experience as much as I can. As there is always something new that was previously unknown. For better or worse, life is a sort of marriage. There are good days and bad. An end is inevitable (including death as an end), and it’s up to you to keep it afloat. And you will, so long as there’s something to love.

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DISCLAIMER: Some entries have been censored and edited out of respect for both my, and others personal lives as well as for clarity. These are all true journal entries, starting from when I was given the journal in a rehabilitation hospital, none of which will be released to the public until weeks or months after being written. At any given point, they may be taken down for a plethora of reasons.