Undated Entry 5 (Approx. Sept. 2022)

This sucks. I left the hospital and I almost want to go back. Johnny and Jane are colder to toward me than ever, and Rich seems to have disappeared. I’m going to sue him for his defamatory lies, I think it’s something I gotta do. I met with Daryl and he seems very neutral but understanding and willing to help, as an intermediary anyway. But I have doubts Johnny is ever gonna let this go or listen. And definitely not Jane, she literally told me off today. Daryl Showed me all the text messages. It’s bad, really bad. There’s a lot of misunderstandings and half truths. There’s not a lot of truth to any of it at all. I can’t believe they could believe any of it, it’s so far out of character for me.

I’ll have to get the list from Daryl so I can prepare and acknowledge their grievances.

It sucks but I don’t care if I never speak to Jane again. She was a friend but I get the whole boyfriend thing. I mean, the guy was jealous from the start and everything going on with her and I just seemed like a bomb waiting to go off. I’m not surprised at all, I’ve been pretty ready to let go of our friendship since the summer. I just want my brother back.

[Redacted]

I’m just worried about the gossip, I told her that stuff in confidence. I shouldn’t have, I should’ve just listened to my gut and never trusted her. She just took it and threw it back in my face, then I just wanted to be comforted by a friend (because that shit hurt) then she took that apparently as wanting to cuddle. That’s just stupid. I remember asking for a hug, there wasn’t even anywhere we would be able to cuddle. The place was cluttered as fuck.

Anyway, it’s been a rough return. My anxiety came back as soon as I even got close to the area. It’s hard being here, even after being calmed by supportive phone calls. It’s just heartbreaking to see all the memories. Things could’ve been nice if we just communicated better…

It’s just lonely here now, I’m even looking over my shoulder to avoid my previous friends… and the school is just so small (population and size wise). I think Millersville might be better for me now but it feels so wrong to abandon ship (pun not intended).

I feel like I belong here, but it’s just so hard to be here. I’m considering the Dean’s offer…

I’ll meet with Warbley, the Dean, my teachers, and Daryl again to really get a feel for what’s best for me. I’d love the break but my gpa is gonna stay low then, and I don’t want to run. But maybe it’d be better to take the offer, sue Rich, and go to community to raise my gpa, then switch to Millersville…

I love this place and it feels like I’m supposed to be here, but it just hurts so much and I feel like the magic’s gone from this place. I just fought so hard for this place…

And I texted (the drummer from Explosive Flasks) about band stuff and heard nothing. I hope to at some point but I’m just hoping Johnny didn’t get to him.

I don’t know… I have class tomorrow… one step at a time.

[Redacted]

I just… well, I don’t even know what’s going on with me right now…

I guess we’ll see. But I’m grateful for the fresh air, the opportunities, and of course the people I still have in my life.

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DISCLAIMER: Some entries have been censored and edited out of respect for both my, and others personal lives as well as for clarity. These are all true journal entries, starting from when I was given the journal in a rehabilitation hospital, none of which will be released to the public until weeks or months after being written. At any given point, they may be taken down for a plethora of reasons.