Undated Entry 6 (Approx. Sept. 2022)

Day 2 of being back from the dead: build your arc, the flood’s here. Raining downpour from the sky and my eye.

Jane is basically harassing me, texting me, and putting me down anywhere I look for support, even when it’s anonymous! I had to leave my french class early because getting messages like that from her hurt a lot…

She’s so hard set against me and anything I say. I just wish they would see me as just a person, and not their problem or their monster… Everything would’ve been so much easier if I was never revived. I wish they hadn’t, I liked being dead. Dying sucks and recovery sucks too. But being dead feels so nice. I don’t know… Jane is my only real concern still, she’s the more emotionally driven hotheaded person in the group I definitely shouldn’t have trusted.

I shouldn’t trust anyone. Ever. Why give nukes to a foreign country? [redacted]

I’m not too worried about Johnny anymore after seeing some messages he sent Daryl. Working with him might even help. But otherwise he’s more likely to ignore me and just give me the cold shoulder or avoid me all together. I also saw a post that implies he might be back later. Daryl also invited him to talk to me with Daryl mediating, but he politely declined, saying emotions were still hot n’ fresh and that he was worried about me not being able to handle it (given the suicide) which makes sense. He might come back in a month or two… but I don’t think so. Which really hurts. I think the bands gone too. Time to start the search again…

But even walking around, trying to blend in, and acting paranoid I still had guys wanting to get to know me and girls giving flattering looks (not all of them, just a few but they were cute and far from few. I think this happens to a lot of people, most just don’t notice it). People are horny as fuck here. Then again, my depression and anxiety have pretty much shut down my libido.

Daryl took me out to eat to get me comfortable being here again. It really helped. Making new memories here helps, and I’m glad to know I’m not alone in dealing with my anxiety. We had a lot of fun. Got burgers and fries, forgot our car keys, went for a walk, went to Rutters on a quest for peanut butter chocolate milk. THAT SHIT’S GOOD!

I mistook the soccer field for the football field, (technically) broke into the football field (the gate was open after hours). Came back, listened to metal, discussed singing and screaming techniques, played guitar, and just hung out with all my roommates and had a great laugh.

I also met with some teachers earlier today (workload seems really manageable), and made some emergency visits to the counseling center without an appointment immediately after french (minus a soaked pitstop at dunkin in the rain). Jen Warbley was too busy but she handed me off to her good friend in student retention. Apparently no student has ever been given a deal as good as mine (from the Dean). She personally walked with me to meet with a therapist.

She even waited with me in the lobby. Then I met with a Chinese woman (which felt like talking to extended family) therapist. It was a much needed conversation. I couldn’t help but break into tears… She helped me figure out where to go from there and off I went after scheduling another appointment. I tried to meet with the Dean, but he wasn’t in today. My teachers tell me that my classmates have noticed I was missing and missed me. So that was cool… ( “Kool Thing” )

And remember that anonymous messaging board I went to for support? Well yeah, Jane came at me there but I basically went to our old group chat and told them to fuck off if they weren’t going to talk it out with me. Oh, and the school came through for me again! They fuckin shut Jane down online there and supported me too! Which felt really nice, just wish I knew who they were…

Anyway, I scheduled a meeting with Cait to see where I stand with her and the Slate. Daryl thinks she’ll be cool, but I know she’s close with Jane. And we ran into Cait twice today. The first time she seemed friendly, but a few hours later somewhat awkward… not sure what to think but I guess we’ll see…

As for the band, I would put up flyers but Jane would probably vandalize them. So I’ll put an ad in the paper.

I started today lost, scared, hurt, feeling alone, and just downright bad, but I feel much better now. Still very much hurt but in higher spirits and feeling more hopeful and confident about this semester. I won’t say anything just yet. That deal still seems nice, and I am yet to run into Johnny or Jane (Which will inevitably happen). Plus, there’s still a lot I don’t know. So I’m not making a choice just yet.

I gotta meet with a lot of people tomorrow, including people I met with today. I also should call Hendrix back (I was supposed to tonight but I forgot), and I’ll need to message [redacted] soon too. Not to mention all those poor hinge girls who’ve been waiting over a week now! (shit) I’ll just say I broke my phone. Hospital stuff’s a bit too heavy and personal.

And uhhh oh right! I’m really grateful for how supportive the campus has been , my roommates (seriously, they might not all be from the same niche/ stereotypical group [for lack of a better term] as me, but they’re awesome!) and I’m so so so so so so sooooooooooo grateful to have my guitar again!

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DISCLAIMER: Some entries have been censored and edited out of respect for both my, and others personal lives as well as for clarity. These are all true journal entries, starting from when I was given the journal in a rehabilitation hospital, none of which will be released to the public until weeks or months after being written. At any given point, they may be taken down for a plethora of reasons.