Undated Entry 8

I just watched a man give up 79 years of his life. Probably the rest of it. He’ll be in prison for the rest of his life. Before that, he asked those around him about their regrets. That was Saul Goodman Jimmy M. The show ends, the screen turns black and I’m back. Me? I’m not in prison, not any kind, and I’m not dead. Not anymore. Not yet. I’m on a college campus, building everything. The very foundation of the rest of my life. I’m in the thick of it.

And I love it. I don’t know what’ll happen, but I know I’m going somewhere. I don’t know about the future of the band, my writing, my love life, or even who’ll be the people I call (my close) friends. And I definitely don’t know about school. But I’m at the wheel, and I’m not afraid. This is my turf, and when that eventually changes, some other place will be. I trust I’ll do well, and even if I don’t, I’ll go out with one hell of a swing.

A swing like no other. It’ll make jaws drop.

But this is all talk, the walk? Now that, we’ll have to see about.

But regrets?

I have many, I carry that weight.

I regret not sticking to my guns with Rich. I regret giving Jane and Johnny information about me that I perceive to be the equivalent of a nuke. I should’ve never trusted anyone outside of what I’ve seen as family consistently for the past two years. But if I could go back in time and change one regret? The biggest of all regrets?

I would go back to November 15th, 2020. The day I met (Redacted). I would go forward from there and do it over again. Relive it all. But I would change one thing:

I wouldn’t have pushed away the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

Instead, I would sell the xbox, get a warehouse job with home depot (maybe fedex), go back to college immediately (if I even had to, if I still didn’t pass the first time), and I would use what I’ve learned to do right by her. Then I would go to ship as soon as possible and live there with her. See the wild side for what it is: a glamorized social post-apocalyptic wasteland.

Things would’ve been so much better.

She was so good, she didn’t deserve what happened.

Me? I’ve been happy, yeah. I have my fun and do what I can to get by. But there are days I can’t help but see, I would be much happier with her here.

For every moment I’m glad she’s not here, there’s two that do wish she were here.

If I had a time machine…

If only…

I better get back to it, there’s so much to do.

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Some entries have been censored and edited out of respect for both my, and others personal lives as well as for clarity. These are all true journal entries, starting from when I was given the journal in a rehabilitation hospital, none of which will be released to the public until weeks or months after being written. At any given point, they may be taken down for a plethora of reasons.